Friday, January 13, 2012

New Season

This post is coming from an anxious heart. As I begin to prepare myself mentally/emotionally for my very last semester as a college student I am feeling a mixture of emotions. Over break I have become a professional at being lazy and wasting time by doing nothing productive, but have enjoyed every minute of it! My body needed sleep and time to relax. Some days I got to spend time with friends and other days Milly and I kicked it by ourselves. During this time of doing absolutely nothing besides sitting on the couch, I found more blogs that have either drawn tears to my eyes because of how raw these women are with their struggles and triumphs, or they have inspired me to spend more time in the kitchen cooking new recipes. Their posts have helped me realize that I am in sort of a slump and needed to give my self a good ol' kick in the booty! They have also inspired me to write out my raw feelings in hopes that someone else is inspired but also as therapy for myself. So here goes...

Sometimes when life is really hectic it is hard to connect with God, yourself, friends, family, etc. I have found this to be true of my life last semester. So as I reflect on where my life currently is, my heart aches a little. Tonight I began thinking of what it means to be a college senior about to enter into my last semester, and frankly I'm scared out of my mind. It is scary how ready you are to grow up and finish different chapters, but at the same time grip onto those last few sentences of that chapter for dear life. Right now, I'm grippin' on for dear life.

These past four years have been exciting, yet scary. Beautiful, yet tainted. Fun and exhausting. I have traveled to a far away land, become a dog owner, made new friends, rekindled old friendships, made good decisions, I have even made some poor decisions. I witnessed a good friend walk down the aisle, celebrated with friends who got engaged, took road trips, grown in my faith, wrestled with God, I've cried and I've laughed. I watched my parents marriage crumble and seen my relationship grow beyond my imagination with my dad. There have been times where there was nothing else that I could do but to throw my arms in the air and worship my Savior and other times when I have sobbed wondering what God's plan was in the mess we call life. I have experienced things in the last four years that I hope no one else ever has to experience or go through, but through those challenging experiences I have learned so much and grown in ways I never would have without going through those things.

I have struggled personally and seen friends and family members struggle. Life lessons have been learned and joyous moments have a special place in my heart from these past four years. So as I think about where I am in this moment at this specific time I am asking myself why I feel so anxious and so distant. My biggest fear for this next semester is that I am not ready for all of this. There are so many deadlines and assignments to be completed. Can I keep up? Where has my positive attitude gone?

Through all of this I am reminded of these lyrics, "O what love, no greater love. Grace how can it be? That in my sin, yes even then, He shed His blood for me!" It's okay that I am feeling anxious/negative and distant from Him, because I know He has grace on me, even in my sin and fear. As long as I am turning to Him and seek His guidance in my life things will go according to HIS plan. He can give me the strength when I have none. He can give me a positive attitude when I am feeling negative. And He can grow me out of the pit and lead me down the path that He has carefully and thoughtfully planned for me. Praise the Lord for His grace! So from this moment I will CHOOSE to be positive and focus on the blessings in my life, because I am beyond blessed. 

Happy Reading!

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